Dealing With Doctrinal Arguments

1ST YEAR PASTOR: I patiently listen to all theological views because I may learn something.

10TH YEAR PASTOR: I swear, if one more person says “let go and let God” to me I will punch people.
@FailingPastor

 

 

I had good intentions at one point. Honestly. I did.

I was determined to give everyone a fair hearing. Really try to understand where they were coming from, patiently listen, and give biblical advice. Of course, in my dreams my biblical advice was delivered flawlessly and with the right level of wit.

“Oh pastor, thank you so much! Until you said that ten second quip, I was lost in the torments of heresy. Thank you for delivering me!”

That’s how it was supposed to go.

But after listening to Christians argue doctrine for 30 years now, I’m not interested in figuring out where people are coming from with their doctrine.

I already know where everyone is coming from.

Everyone is coming from a place of not wanting to take responsibility for their actions. Everyone wants to sin and get away with it. The heart of most bad doctrine is a justification, maybe even a defense, of sin.

Warped doctrine is invented to justify warped living. I am increasingly convinced that if you want right doctrine, then pursue righteous action. Guilt makes you miss the point of Scripture. Guilt makes you defensive. Guilt clouds the mind and destroys doctrine.

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I’m A Pastor, Not A Doctor

Sometimes the hardest part of my day is remembering which medical condition goes with which old lady.
@FailingPastor

 

 

In my thoughts, dreams, plans, and preparation for ministry, I never assumed I would know so much about medical conditions.

Seriously, seminaries should offer classes in basic biology and nursing. Talking about diseases and physical ailments will be approximately 67% of all conversations pastors have with people.

Good Lord.

This is especially enjoyable with those old ladies who no longer have any sense of decency. They’ve been through it all, they are old, and they don’t care anymore. They just tell you everything.

EVERY THING.

I know more about some women’s physical problems than my own wife’s. The number of women who tell me about their bowel movements and their gas, I just. I don’t know. Why?

Men are never as bad. Probably because men don’t go to the doctor. Or it could be that men don’t talk about anything personal. I don’t know. But God bless men.

There is also a notion that if the pastor prays for physical problems, then those problems have a higher chance of being healed. Therefore, whenever there is any slight ailment, the pastor is called.

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Pastors and The Reading of Books

“I don’t read books, I only read the Bible.”

–People who don’t read the Bible either
@FailingPastor

 

 

Pastors get used to hearing sanctimonious talk. Many conversations contain defenses, justifications, and guilt-deflecting statements to impress the pastor. Looking good in front of the pastor apparently means looking good in front of God. I hope that’s not true, because no one looks good to me anymore!

One of the best ways to look good is to prove that you are better than your pastor. I like to read. I read about 80 books a year, mostly non-fiction and about half of those are theology related.

When I tell people I like to read, or that I was reading, I am frequently told, “Oh, I don’t read books; I only read the Bible.”

Gag.

First of all, I’m not making a comparison. If me simply saying I read books makes you feel guilty, ask yourself why that would be the case. It wasn’t my intent. My enjoyment of reading is not at all contingent upon your enjoyment of it.

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The Church Is A Giant Mission Field

1ST YEAR PASTOR: I will win this city for Jesus!

10TH YEAR PASTOR: I’m pretty concerned about the people in my church at this point.
@FailingPastor

 

 

In one of my first board meetings I led as a pastor, I laid out my plan to build our church. I was going to start satellite churches in small towns near us. I’d have a school and I’d be the principal. I was going to take over the city for Jesus.

I came with the assumption that people in my church were saved, intelligent, well-informed, and ready to serve the Lord, all they needed was visionary leadership.

After several years I began worrying about the salvation of some of the people in my church. A couple years after that, I was worried if anyone was saved. A couple years later, I wasn’t even sure I was saved.

I wonder if I’m the only pastor who thinks he got saved years after starting his pastor job?

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The Grace, Love, and Joy of KJV Only People

I must admit I was a little shocked when I saw all the ABCDEFGHILMNOPQRSTUWXYZ’s in my KJV Only Study Bible.
@FailingPastor

 

 

The phone rang as I sat down for dinner with my family. An anonymous person warned me, “There are people in your church who will leave if you keep using the NIV. You have a small church; you can’t afford to lose more people. I’m telling you: go back to the King James immediately.”

One of the weirdest things I’ve run into while being a pastor are people’s rabid defenses of Bible translations. I like the King James. I use the King James. I also have some problems with it. But I like it, I’m familiar with it, and I use it.

The fact that I preach out of the KJV has led many to believe I am a KJV fanatic. They do the wink-wink, nod-nod KJV Club stuff with me, until the Sunday comes where I say, “The King James kind of botches this translation.” Redness overtakes their face.

I have had four people leave my church because I “used the NIV” on Sunday morning.

Here’s the thing: I have never once used the NIV on a Sunday morning.

Here’s the other thing: I constantly make fun of the NIV. Anyone who listens to me for any time knows I don’t care for the NIV (no, I do not want explanations about the NIV’s strong-points). I don’t care if other people use it, I just don’t like it.

The people were actually upset when I read something out of the New American Standard Version, which they took as the NIV, and left the church.

Nope, it didn’t matter when I told them it wasn’t the NIV. It didn’t matter when I said I never have, nor will, use the NIV with any level of seriousness. Nope, didn’t matter. They were gone. I used the NIV while reading the NASV and that was enough.

One lady actually yelled at me during the service to “use a real Bible” when I read from not the KJV.

Who knew that Bible translations could be so divisive? It’s God’s Word, originally written in not-English. Translations into English are just people’s best efforts to help us understand the Greek and Hebrew. I encourage people to use all kinds of translations (even the NIV can be occasionally helpful. Sometimes.). When the KJV uses a weird word, I pause in my sermon and define what the word means, and that definition is usually the way other translations translate it!

But the KJV Only crowd aint playin’. They take this stuff to an unreal level, claiming the KJV is inspired. They will fight you. They will lay you out.

Apparently salvation doesn’t come by the Gospel; it comes by what English translation you prefer. And if you bring your newfangled ESV up in here, they will condemn you to hell and that right quick.

Oh well. I continue to use my KJV. Although I’ve considered using the NAS or ESV simply to remove all visitors’ hopes or fears that I’m a KJV Only man.

But I don’t cave to stupidity. Plus over the years I’ve adapted a liking for poking people who take themselves too seriously. So I keep using my KJV and critiquing it when necessary. I’ll keep a running tab of how many people leave. It keeps me entertained.

 

 

Of these things put them in remembrance, charging them before the Lord that they strive not about words to no profit, but to the subverting of the hearers.
–2 Timothy 2:14

Sometimes a Pastor Just Needs to Go Home

No matter how much I’m enjoying a church function, I can’t wait to go home.
@FailingPastor

 

 

I have enjoyed many church events and one-on-one meetings in my pastoral career. Relaxed, edifying, and enjoyable time together with people of like-minded faith is what church is mostly about.

But I still really like going home.

This is especially true if I had to “dress up.” Suits are the worst. Just taking off the tie is like 50 pounds being lifted off me. I take off the nice shirt and dress pants, and remove the sweaty black socks out of the sweaty dress shoes, and I could float away.

There’s nothing like coming home and putting a pair of shorts and a t-shirt on.

I’m a person who gets drained by people. Even if it’s people I love and an enjoyable activity. I still need to be alone for a while and chill. My brain needs time to reflect, process, and prepare for what’s next.

Every pastor needs a nice place to go sit and be alone. I have a nice chair in my office I read in. I have a spot by the lake across the road and some parks nearby. Nice spots I can just go and sit and be quiet and alone. I pray. I think. I even laugh at my jokes. I say witty comebacks to long over conversations.

Being alone puts energy back in me that being with others sucked out. Nothing wrong with the people; it’s just how I’m wired.

“There’s no place like home,” I happily say along with tornado-displaced Dorothy. I have no magic shoes that take me there, just sweaty dress shoes that probably can’t wait to get home either.

I can only imagine the feeling of being in my eternal home, putting off my old, sweaty tent of a body and putting on the new spiritual body. What a day of rejoicing it will be! I can’t wait to get home.

 

 

When Jesus therefore perceived that they would come and take him by force, to make him a king, he departed again into a mountain himself alone.
–John 6:15

Relevance is Over Rated

I’m pretty sure what Paul meant by “Come out from among them and be separate” was “join them and be relevant.”
@FailingPastor

 

“You must make the Gospel relevant to where people are at. You have to speak to the culture.”

I understand the intentions and I’m sure advice-givers are good people. I just feel like puking when I hear such advice.

Saying the church must become like the world in order to attract the world is silly. Scripture says nothing about the church being attractive to the world.

Yes, Paul said he became all things to all people so that by all means he might win some.

Paul is not the church. Paul was a person. I can lighten up some of my personal scruples for the sake of evangelism. I can refuse to die on a couple hills out there for the sake of the Gospel. This is a far cry from saying the church needs to put on rock concerts every Sunday with fog machines, followed by a stand-up comedy routine for a sermon.

The church exists for the edification of believers. Ephesians 4 seems pretty clear on this issue. Individual believers go out of the church edified in order to do the work of the ministry—being all things to all that some might be saved.

But if the church sells out to attract the world, then edification of the believers won’t happen and the work of the ministry will not be done.

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Context, Context, Context

THEM: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

ME: Except use verses in context apparently.
@FailingPastor

 

 

The self-esteem movement has stampeded Christianity.

We’ve been fooled into thinking we are awesome people who deserve awesomeness all the time as we pursue our awesome purpose for awesomely being alive.

Here’s some news: You’re not that awesome. Neither am I. We’re people. Breathing piles of dirt. We’re sinners rebelling against our loving Creator.

This sort of “depressing” and “negative” preaching used to be part of Christianity. Then the self-help era took off in the early 20th Century. Now we’re just tripping over our awesome ideals of ourselves.

Pretty much the only verses that Christians know any more are

I am fearfully and wonderfully made!

All things work together for good!

I can do all things through Christ!

We are more than conquerors!

All are quoted with exclamation marks and happy sounds. Now yes, these verses are in the Bible and they are true. But they also have contexts. Many of the contexts are not nearly as happy as we might want them to be.

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Being Friends With Busy Sheep

When people skip church to prepare for the thing they invited you, the pastor, to.
@FailingPastor

 

Quick story:

Several months ago I was invited by some guys in church to go golfing on a Sunday afternoon. It seemed like fun and we’d done it before. “Sure, let’s do it,” I gladly replied.

Sunday morning came and the guy who invited me did not show up to church.

“I wasn’t at church today because my wife needs her car tomorrow, so I had to fix some things on it, and she was busy planting flowers. You know, this nice weather isn’t going to hold up.”

We then went golfing and out to eat for the next FIVE HOURS.

That’s right, he skipped church because he didn’t have time to fix the car and plant flowers. He did, however, have time to go golfing and out to eat for FIVE HOURS.

This sort of thing makes me regret ever doing anything with anyone, especially on Sundays.

This is not the only example of such a thing. I’ve been invited to supper, picnics, graduation parties, and reunions by people who will skip church to get ready for the thing I said I’d attend.

Seeing people’s priorities in action is devastating to a pastor’s self-esteem. Luckily for me, I have little self-esteem left.

 

 

And the servant said, ‘Sir, what you commanded has been done, and still there is room.’  And the master said to the servant, ‘Go out to the highways and hedges and compel people to come in, that my house may be filled.  For I tell you, none of those men who were invited shall taste my banquet.’”
–Luke 14:22-24

How To Be A Humble Pastor

“Many of the pitfalls of pride can be avoided if you suck at everything.”
@FailingPastor

 

 

“That was a great service. Thank you so much. I wish we lived closer; we’d come to your church every Sunday.”

Pretty much every time I speak somewhere that isn’t my church (weddings, funerals, pulpit supply, etc.), people say something like this to me. It’s nice. It’s flattering. But it doesn’t last.

When I come back from such speaking engagements, I know my church will put me back in my place.

The thrill of actually having a crowd to talk to and the appreciative reception of yesterday will be met by the empty chairs and half-asleep apathetic handful of people in my church.

It’s good for me. It keeps me grounded. Having a weekly reminder of how pathetic I am is safe ground. It’s hard to get a big head when it’s constantly being deflated.

I tried writing a weekly handout for our church. I really worked at being interesting and informative. I even edited. I’d print out an ambitious 12 copies and announce them. I’d take ten copies home with me. Humility.

I would visit people to show them I cared, only to have them tell me all the problems they have with my church and why they won’t be there Sunday. Humility.

I make hospital visits, only to hear too many details and have to go puke in the bathroom after ten minutes. Humility.

Anytime friends or family visit my church, it’s guaranteed that 80% of my church will be out of town, sick, or busy that weekend. My family and friends will get to see my church of eight people. Humility.

Pride is the source of most of our sin and the root of our problems. Regularly being humbled is a great way to grow in faith and avoid much sin.

Oh sure, humility can lead to pride’s cousin self-pity, but alas, at least self-pity is just me quietly weeping in the corner. At least I’m not having affairs and bossing everyone around.

Take my advice: Success comes with too many temptations. Do everything you can to avoid those temptations by sucking at everything!

(Don’t worry; my tongue, although not firmly planted in my cheek, is in the general direction of my cheek as I write this.)

 

 

“We have become, and are still, like the scum of the world, the refuse of all things.”
–1 Corinthians 4:13