Monty Python, Preaching, and Culturally Relevant Sermons

If Monty Python had never made The Quest for the Holy Grail, all my sermons would be two minutes shorter.
@FailingPastor

 

 

Pastors are supposed to be culturally relevant. We’re supposed to interject cultural things into our sermons to make us appear as though we’re real people and know things about stuff.

The problem is that modern culture is completely stupid. Modern music is no music at all. Modern films are just political propaganda. Television is passé. YouTube and Instagram are just one more waste of time.

It’s hard to pay attention to such inanities, let alone work them into sermons and be relevant.

I prefer reveling in my irrelevance. I have no idea what is going on in modern culture, other than knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that modern culture is completely stupid. I at least know that. I prefer showing my incompetence by quoting things that were cool many years ago.

The greatest movie ever made was Monty Python’s Quest for the Holy Grail. There are so many lines in there that fit like hand in glove into sermons. I cannot talk about the resurrection without mentioning “I got better. I feel fine.” Any discussion of government or kings in the Bible so easily slides into “watery tarts distributing swords is no basis for a form of government.” The witch of Endor floats on water like small rocks and churches. I could go on. I can quote the whole movie. Walls of Jericho with the Frenchmen who will taunt you a second time.

The thing is that very few people know Monty Python references anymore. What sad times are these when passing ruffians can’t quote Monty Python. So when I include Monty Python quotes in my sermons, people just think I’m quoting the King James. Either that or people think I’m stupid for saying that Jesus got better after He was crucified.

People have no idea how many lines of Monty Python they know now simply because I’ve repeated them in my sermons.

Continue reading “Monty Python, Preaching, and Culturally Relevant Sermons”

Raising Pastors’ Kids

My kids are not better than yours cuz they are pastor’s kids. They are better than yours cuz they are better than yours.
@FailingPastors

 

 

Pastors’ kids have a bad reputation. This could be because pastors have bad kids.

It could also be that people have very high expectations for pastors’ kids. Every little misstep of pastors’ kids gets noticed and remembered and gossiped about.

I don’t know where the stereotype comes from in all honesty. I’ve known lots of pastors’ kids and I honestly don’t know any that I’d describe as being “bad.” I mean, kids are kids. Kids are by nature not good all the time. My kids have done bad things, some of which were observed by others. But anyone who knows my kids would say they are good kids.

I am not a person who likes bad kids, so I’d know it if my kids were bad.

My kids are, quite frankly, good kids. They get good grades, they don’t get in trouble at school, they have jobs, they are respectful to authority, and various other measures of kid goodness. My kids are beginning to move out of my house, one already has. My kids are not little anymore; they are young adults. And they are good kids.

Let me tell you one massive reason why they are good kids: because I’m a good father.

Yup, I went ahead and said it.

My kids were born like anyone else’s kids. They had their fair share of strengths and weaknesses. Two of them were hyper and nuts. One of them was quieter and more subtle with her nuts. But they were all nuts. It took a massive amount of time, patience, energy, and cardiovascular exercise to discipline my kids. I was all-in on my fathering. I was determined to win every battle of wills. No matter how long it took, I wore them out until they learned I was the boss.

Continue reading “Raising Pastors’ Kids”

The Failing Pastor Goes to Funerals

The best thing about my own funeral is that I won’t have to do anything for it.
@FailingPastor

 

 

Three members of my family have died since I’ve been a pastor. I officiated all three of them.

No one really asked me. I was more or less told to do it.

That’s fine, I’m not complaining. Much.

It would be nice to go to a funeral where I could just grieve and not feel like I had to be “on.” Where I didn’t have to go through the anxiety of having to speak and potentially embarrass myself or the deceased with a slip of the tongue or flippant joke.

It’s my job, I get it. But yeah, it would be nice to go to a funeral and grieve.

Over my years as pastor I have attended other people’s funerals done by other pastors.

This is almost as dreadful as doing funerals. Some of the ridiculous things said at funerals are enough to raise the dead

Everyone is always saved and in heaven. They “aren’t suffering anymore;” “they are looking down on us right now.” “God needed them in heaven more than we needed them down here.”

There have been funerals where I’ve wanted to scream at the pastor: WHY IS THERE NO GOSPEL IN YOUR MESSAGE?

Continue reading “The Failing Pastor Goes to Funerals”

Some Thoughts About Having Church Buildings

“Church is not a building.”

–Christians who attend churches where a majority of the budget is spent on buildings.
@FailingPastor

 

The amount of money spent on church buildings is ridiculous. I do believe this is going to come up on Judgment Day.

There is nothing in the Bible about churches having buildings. At the same time, there are plenty of verses talking about not putting our treasure on earth, not seeking material wealth, not getting tied down to earthly things, and the classic passage where the disciples bragged to Jesus about the impressive temple buildings, only to be shot down by Christ.

I won’t say having a church building is a sin, nor that a church should not have a building, but I do hear an awful lot of pride expressed in buildings, the very same buildings that will, like the old temple, be toppled.

I did a wedding at a different church once where they just added a new addition. It was a separate building with a gym and classrooms. They proudly showed me every single room, even though they all looked the same.

When the Grand Tour was over, my tour guide asked me, “I probably shouldn’t have shown you all that! Now you are envious of our building!” This was said with zero hint that they were sorry. It was pride through and through. I said, “No, not really. I think I’ll be ok.”

“You still meeting in the same place?” is a question I get frequently. Without blowing my cover, we don’t have a building. What we do is pathetic in light of what all the cool churches are doing. It has cost us some people.

One family left because the new Vineyard church put in an arcade for the kids. “How come our church doesn’t do anything like that?”

“Because I think that’s stupid” was apparently not the answer they were looking for. They left. Hope their kids had a nice time at the arcade.

Continue reading “Some Thoughts About Having Church Buildings”

Spiritually Superior Pastors

THEM: Pride goes before a fall.

ME: Actually, it says, “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”

*immediately trips over a curb*
@FailingPastor

 

 

I consider one of my main jobs to be the preaching of the Word, the whole counsel of God. In order to do that, I came to the startling realization that I better know what’s going on in the Bible.

I know, pretty extreme, but that’s where my brain went.

At a certain point in my career, I decided to read the Bible from cover to cover over and over again. I’ve now read it cover to cover around 40 times. I also began memorizing books of the Bible. I’ve got Romans and Galatians pretty well down.

Yeah, I’m awesome.

I must admit, I’m proud of such feats. It took a lot of work and dedication to do these things, and I continue to do them.

Part of me wants to tell people about my exceptional prowess in taking God’s word seriously. Part of me thinks that since I’ve worked so much with the Bible, people should bow to my understanding of the Bible. “You’ve no doubt never read the Bible like me, so off with you, ya little pretender.”

One evening at a church gathering a guy asked me what Romans 1:25 was. “Pssh, that’s easy,” I thought. “Little does this guy know I have the whole book of Romans in my head.” I proceeded to quote Romans 1:25. “For the invisible things of Him, from the creation of the world, are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made so that they are without excuse.”

Boom! In your face. Now worship my awesomeness!

Instead of worshipping my awesomeness, the guy said, “Uh, I don’t think that’s right.”

Continue reading “Spiritually Superior Pastors”

Pastors and The Reading of Books

“I don’t read books, I only read the Bible.”

–People who don’t read the Bible either
@FailingPastor

 

 

Pastors get used to hearing sanctimonious talk. Many conversations contain defenses, justifications, and guilt-deflecting statements to impress the pastor. Looking good in front of the pastor apparently means looking good in front of God. I hope that’s not true, because no one looks good to me anymore!

One of the best ways to look good is to prove that you are better than your pastor. I like to read. I read about 80 books a year, mostly non-fiction and about half of those are theology related.

When I tell people I like to read, or that I was reading, I am frequently told, “Oh, I don’t read books; I only read the Bible.”

Gag.

First of all, I’m not making a comparison. If me simply saying I read books makes you feel guilty, ask yourself why that would be the case. It wasn’t my intent. My enjoyment of reading is not at all contingent upon your enjoyment of it.

Continue reading “Pastors and The Reading of Books”

The Church Is A Giant Mission Field

1ST YEAR PASTOR: I will win this city for Jesus!

10TH YEAR PASTOR: I’m pretty concerned about the people in my church at this point.
@FailingPastor

 

 

In one of my first board meetings I led as a pastor, I laid out my plan to build our church. I was going to start satellite churches in small towns near us. I’d have a school and I’d be the principal. I was going to take over the city for Jesus.

I came with the assumption that people in my church were saved, intelligent, well-informed, and ready to serve the Lord, all they needed was visionary leadership.

After several years I began worrying about the salvation of some of the people in my church. A couple years after that, I was worried if anyone was saved. A couple years later, I wasn’t even sure I was saved.

I wonder if I’m the only pastor who thinks he got saved years after starting his pastor job?

Continue reading “The Church Is A Giant Mission Field”

The Grace, Love, and Joy of KJV Only People

I must admit I was a little shocked when I saw all the ABCDEFGHILMNOPQRSTUWXYZ’s in my KJV Only Study Bible.
@FailingPastor

 

 

The phone rang as I sat down for dinner with my family. An anonymous person warned me, “There are people in your church who will leave if you keep using the NIV. You have a small church; you can’t afford to lose more people. I’m telling you: go back to the King James immediately.”

One of the weirdest things I’ve run into while being a pastor are people’s rabid defenses of Bible translations. I like the King James. I use the King James. I also have some problems with it. But I like it, I’m familiar with it, and I use it.

The fact that I preach out of the KJV has led many to believe I am a KJV fanatic. They do the wink-wink, nod-nod KJV Club stuff with me, until the Sunday comes where I say, “The King James kind of botches this translation.” Redness overtakes their face.

I have had four people leave my church because I “used the NIV” on Sunday morning.

Here’s the thing: I have never once used the NIV on a Sunday morning.

Here’s the other thing: I constantly make fun of the NIV. Anyone who listens to me for any time knows I don’t care for the NIV (no, I do not want explanations about the NIV’s strong-points). I don’t care if other people use it, I just don’t like it.

The people were actually upset when I read something out of the New American Standard Version, which they took as the NIV, and left the church.

Nope, it didn’t matter when I told them it wasn’t the NIV. It didn’t matter when I said I never have, nor will, use the NIV with any level of seriousness. Nope, didn’t matter. They were gone. I used the NIV while reading the NASV and that was enough.

One lady actually yelled at me during the service to “use a real Bible” when I read from not the KJV.

Who knew that Bible translations could be so divisive? It’s God’s Word, originally written in not-English. Translations into English are just people’s best efforts to help us understand the Greek and Hebrew. I encourage people to use all kinds of translations (even the NIV can be occasionally helpful. Sometimes.). When the KJV uses a weird word, I pause in my sermon and define what the word means, and that definition is usually the way other translations translate it!

But the KJV Only crowd aint playin’. They take this stuff to an unreal level, claiming the KJV is inspired. They will fight you. They will lay you out.

Apparently salvation doesn’t come by the Gospel; it comes by what English translation you prefer. And if you bring your newfangled ESV up in here, they will condemn you to hell and that right quick.

Oh well. I continue to use my KJV. Although I’ve considered using the NAS or ESV simply to remove all visitors’ hopes or fears that I’m a KJV Only man.

But I don’t cave to stupidity. Plus over the years I’ve adapted a liking for poking people who take themselves too seriously. So I keep using my KJV and critiquing it when necessary. I’ll keep a running tab of how many people leave. It keeps me entertained.

 

 

Of these things put them in remembrance, charging them before the Lord that they strive not about words to no profit, but to the subverting of the hearers.
–2 Timothy 2:14

Sometimes a Pastor Just Needs to Go Home

No matter how much I’m enjoying a church function, I can’t wait to go home.
@FailingPastor

 

 

I have enjoyed many church events and one-on-one meetings in my pastoral career. Relaxed, edifying, and enjoyable time together with people of like-minded faith is what church is mostly about.

But I still really like going home.

This is especially true if I had to “dress up.” Suits are the worst. Just taking off the tie is like 50 pounds being lifted off me. I take off the nice shirt and dress pants, and remove the sweaty black socks out of the sweaty dress shoes, and I could float away.

There’s nothing like coming home and putting a pair of shorts and a t-shirt on.

I’m a person who gets drained by people. Even if it’s people I love and an enjoyable activity. I still need to be alone for a while and chill. My brain needs time to reflect, process, and prepare for what’s next.

Every pastor needs a nice place to go sit and be alone. I have a nice chair in my office I read in. I have a spot by the lake across the road and some parks nearby. Nice spots I can just go and sit and be quiet and alone. I pray. I think. I even laugh at my jokes. I say witty comebacks to long over conversations.

Being alone puts energy back in me that being with others sucked out. Nothing wrong with the people; it’s just how I’m wired.

“There’s no place like home,” I happily say along with tornado-displaced Dorothy. I have no magic shoes that take me there, just sweaty dress shoes that probably can’t wait to get home either.

I can only imagine the feeling of being in my eternal home, putting off my old, sweaty tent of a body and putting on the new spiritual body. What a day of rejoicing it will be! I can’t wait to get home.

 

 

When Jesus therefore perceived that they would come and take him by force, to make him a king, he departed again into a mountain himself alone.
–John 6:15

Playing Church

THEM: We’re doing the Lord’s work.

ME: You sure? Cuz it looks suspiciously like a bunch of people doing busy work to maintain an organization they created for their ego.
@FailingPastor

 

 

Churches like to keep people busy. If people are busy in church, then the church is doing something and the people are doing something. Doing something is the sign of things being done. And if things are being done in the church, then those things being done must be good.

The church convinced people that service to the Lord only takes place at church. Therefore people now want their every spiritual desire turned into a church sanctioned event or included in a church service with church approval.

But here’s the thing: you don’t need the pastor or the church’s approval to do ministry. Just go help people.

As a pastor, the guy in charge of what’s going on in the church, I began examining the results of our busy-ness. There were very few, if any, spiritual results. In fact, some of our stuff seemed to be having a negative spiritual effect.

I called out our church over concerns I had with our youth program, which was successful by external measures. Every year we begged people to volunteer because we had so many kids coming. We needed bodies to fill roles. Eventually our standards for leadership dipped so low, I had to pull the plug.

I told the church, “It is impossible for spiritual leadership to take place if there are no spiritual leaders.” I told the church that we were not doing our youth program until we get our act together as a church.

My hope was that people would rally and ask what they could do to help each other grow and defeat sin. Instead, half the church left.

Continue reading “Playing Church”