The Life-Sucking Properties of Being Ignored

Our church web site provides another opportunity
for people to ignore stuff I do for them.
@FailingPastor

 

I do not have a church secretary. I’m fairly lucky to have a church at this point. This means that all the little details of running the church fall on me.

I’ve been updating our church website weekly for nigh on 17 years now. I’m the guy that suggested a website and did all the research to find out how to get one up, how to update it, and I even picked up a little coding along the way. Yahoo Sitebuilder was my initial service.

The main purpose of the website is to upload sermon audio. This is so people all around the globe have an opportunity to not listen to my sermons.

For many years I sent out a church newsletter. It was a one page devotional and the back page had announcements and upcoming events. I typed, printed, copied, enveloped, addressed, and stamped all of them every month.

I had a sneaking suspicion no one read them. One month I put in the middle of my devotional this sentence: “If you call me after reading this, I will give you $5.”

Two people called me. Probably about 100 people could have potentially read the letter. Two called. That was enough. After giving them each $5, I stopped doing monthly newsletters.

I also used to do a weekly handout to the church. On the front page would be a review of a book I was reading. For instance, I read Calvin’s Institutes of the Christian Religion and did a one page summary of every chapter. I read through another systematic theology, five volumes worth, and did a page on each chapter.

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Spiritually Superior Pastors

THEM: Pride goes before a fall.

ME: Actually, it says, “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”

*immediately trips over a curb*
@FailingPastor

 

 

I consider one of my main jobs to be the preaching of the Word, the whole counsel of God. In order to do that, I came to the startling realization that I better know what’s going on in the Bible.

I know, pretty extreme, but that’s where my brain went.

At a certain point in my career, I decided to read the Bible from cover to cover over and over again. I’ve now read it cover to cover around 40 times. I also began memorizing books of the Bible. I’ve got Romans and Galatians pretty well down.

Yeah, I’m awesome.

I must admit, I’m proud of such feats. It took a lot of work and dedication to do these things, and I continue to do them.

Part of me wants to tell people about my exceptional prowess in taking God’s word seriously. Part of me thinks that since I’ve worked so much with the Bible, people should bow to my understanding of the Bible. “You’ve no doubt never read the Bible like me, so off with you, ya little pretender.”

One evening at a church gathering a guy asked me what Romans 1:25 was. “Pssh, that’s easy,” I thought. “Little does this guy know I have the whole book of Romans in my head.” I proceeded to quote Romans 1:25. “For the invisible things of Him, from the creation of the world, are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made so that they are without excuse.”

Boom! In your face. Now worship my awesomeness!

Instead of worshipping my awesomeness, the guy said, “Uh, I don’t think that’s right.”

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Sermon Illustrations Get in the Way

Failing Pastor Poem:

My biggest preaching frustration
Is that all they heard
Was the Illustration.
@FailingPastor

 

 

Advertisements for salads all look the same. Each one shows a young, beautiful woman with large eyes and a huge smile with beautiful white teeth, about to slide a fork of green salad into her mouth. Salad eating looks so fun! It looks like the most thrilling and exciting activity on the planet in these ads!

The reason they make salad eating look so fun is because no one is that happy eating a salad. They are lying, making what is drudgery at worst and slightly tasty at best, into the most thrilling event of a person’s day.

The Church is selling salad. The Gospel is salad. It’s good for you, but wow, no one really wants to eat it. The Church, knowing that no one wants to eat Gospel Salad, uses bait and switch; we use marketing to make the Gospel look more appealing.

“Hey, if you believe our Gospel, you’ll have your best life now!”

“Hey, if you believe our Gospel, you’ll have health and wealth!”

“Hey, if you believe our Gospel, God will work a wonderful plan for your life and when you die, it gets even wonderfuller!”

Come and eat our happy Gospel salad and be happy with us!

The Gospel is tough; it is hard, it leads you into a fight that needs to be fought and a race that needs to be run. You need armor, you need spiritual rebirth, and you need Divine power if you want to survive it. Don’t lie to people about the Gospel. Tell them the truth. Let them know there’s a good chance this Gospel might mess up their lives. Tell them what Jesus Christ said to those listening to Him: Count the cost!

_______

I used the above as a sermon illustration one week. I thought it was brilliant and was perfectly delivered with comedic timing and everything. It made an excellent point, one that needs to be made by more people in the church, if you ask me.

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How To Leave A Church

ME: Hm, John isn’t here today.

BRAIN: Oh no, he left the church.

ME: It’s just one Sunday.

BRAIN: He hates you.

ME: It’s fine.

BRAIN: He’s gonna start a church split. *sees John walk in*

ME: Hey John! Good to see you.

BRAIN: Stupid jerk, trying to split my church.
@FailingPastor

 

 

The only thing worse than having someone leave your church with noise and fury is having them leave in complete silence.

A number of people have left the church without saying a word to me. It is then my responsibility to call or visit them and find out what’s up. Even then, they often won’t say if they have left the church or why. They make me probe and dig. Or, as I like to put it, they make me be the bad guy.

I hate being the guy who has to chase down disgruntled people to find out why they are disgruntled. But I always do.

I’ve heard people say, “I didn’t go to church for a month and not one person contacted me.”

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The Unappreciated Suffering of the Pastor’s Family

If we had had any fewer people at church today I would have wondered where my wife had gone.
@FailingPastor

 

 

I have a small church. Few understand what I mean by “small.” It’s small. As in 50 people would be a big crowd.

There have been Sundays where I preached to 11 people. Several Sundays.

I have had some serious rough patches in my pastoral career. Some of them I understand; some I do not and doubt I ever will.

My wife has been with me through them all. I can think of maybe two Sunday mornings where she wasn’t at church with me all these years. Part of that is because I made her go.

It was not right for me to make my wife go to church on days she was sick just because I went when I was sick. Not only has she gone to all those Sunday morning services, she’s been to all my other Wednesday night ones and Bible study nights on other days. She’s only missed a handful.

My wife told me one day that she hated that she had to go to church all the time. There were just days she didn’t feel like it. She resented my forced attendance rule of the past.

I get it and I understand. It’s the sucky part of being in a pastor’s family.

Lots of families work all week and then play on the weekend. The pastor’s family works all week and then goes to church on the weekend. It would be nice to have a morning or two to sleep in. This is especially true when we had little kids in the house.

I grew up in a pastor’s family. I know what it’s like to be sick and be made to go to church anyway. It’s what pastor’s families do. We do it to set an example that no one is paying attention to and never works.

I began to realize that punishing my family with church attendance is not helping them appreciate church. Nor is it reforming anyone else’s behavior. “Of course you guys go to church all the time; you get paid to do it.”

There’s some truth in that. At the same time, it would be nice if my family got some recognition for their faithfulness over the years. Unfortunately, people who don’t come to church, never pick up on the fact that my family is always there. It’s hard to appreciate what you don’t know exists.

Anyway, I appreciate my wife and my kids for going to church. I know they don’t feel like it all the time, because I don’t feel like it all the time either. Their reward will be in heaven, because Lord knows they aren’t getting it here.

 

 

Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
–Ephesians 5:24

Being Too Excited To Preach

The sermons I was most excited to preach were the ones most criticized. Therefore, I have determined to never be excited about preaching.
@FailingPastor

 

 

This isn’t even a joke.

This amazed me as a young pastor. Without fail, the sermons I was most excited to preach got the most ridiculous responses from people. I mean, not just that they disagreed with me, but they belittled me, my intelligence, and occasionally called me names.

There was one series I planned for our midweek Bible study. It’s a small group, most attenders were loyal to the church and, I thought, to me.

I was thrilled for this new study. I had done research and even had a cute name for it.

I preached my first Bible study of the series and there was silence, followed by one guy just ripping me to shreds about how dumb it was and by default, how dumb I was for coming up with it. I mean, people commented afterward, “Wow, what was up with that guy?”

This has happened multiple times now. There will be some point, some insight I’m particularly excited to share, and it will inevitably be attacked mercilessly.

I always assume it’s me. Maybe there’s something bad I do when I’m excited. Maybe my energy is taken as arrogance. Perhaps I’m too strong-armed with it. Maybe excitement looks like ATTACK!

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Ignoring the Bible Is the Easiest Way to Get Unity

THEM: What is a denomination?

ME: A group of Christians who agree on what passages of Scripture to ignore.
@FailingPastor

 

 

The Bible is a large book. It’s hard to develop a comprehensive understanding of any biblical subject because there’s so much information. I’m not saying it’s impossible; I’m saying that it’s hard.

The Bible is also loaded with contradictions.

I know that’s a terrible thing to say. Many people have maintained there are no contradictions in the Bible. I sincerely wonder if these people have ever read the book.

One classic example is Proverbs 26:4-5, where we are told not to answer a fool according to his folly, followed by saying to answer a fool according to his folly.

So, which is it? It’s both. To everything there is a season and an appointed time.

Kind of sounds like situational ethics, no?

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How Pastors Should Respond to Gifts

Gifts for the pastor are a form of Evangelical Penance. Don’t be flattered by them, pastors. They are guilt offerings.
@FailingPastor

 

 

Let me preface this by saying, “OK, not always.” There was this one time that a very faithful member of my church very graciously gave us a number of things, one of which was very expensive. It was appreciated and was purely given out of a pure heart as far as I can tell. To this point. So far.

I even told this person, “Oh man, I know this huge gift means you’re going to leave the church now. I just want you to know that you can leave the church if you want and you don’t have to give me anything.”

My house is filled with gifts that people who have left my church gave me before they left.

I don’t know what it is, or what comes first: the thought of giving a gift or the thought of leaving the church, but people who leave your church will give you things before they go. Maybe years before, not necessarily associated with their leaving. It’s uncanny how many things I’ve been given by people who later leave the church.

Perhaps they gave it in hopes of a kickback. Maybe it was a bribe. Maybe I didn’t reciprocate enough. Maybe I didn’t play their game and they got tired of me.

Maybe it was guilt on their part. They had a problem and the problem gave them guilt. Feeling guilty in church makes a person not like church. But they want to stay, they like the people. “So here, guy who makes me feel guilty, here’s a gift, an offering, some penance to assuage the guilt you make me feel.”

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This Church Is Not Your Old Church

If you want my church to be like the one you just left: go back there.
@FailingPastor

 

 

“Our last church did bake sales to raise money, you should try that.”

“The last church we went to had live animals in the Christmas play, we should do that.”

“Last church we attended had an arcade for the kids, why don’t we have an arcade?”

I’ve never understood people telling their new church to be like the one they left. Look, if your last church was so great, if they had the winning recipe, then please go back. Please, I beg you. Just go.

In all the suggestions I’ve heard about what my church should do that their old church did, I’ve yet to hear, “We should have longer sermons” or “there should be more Scripture reading.” Nope, it’s always some froufrou gimmick guaranteed to “bring them in.”

Our church never did regular Communion. When I came it never crossed my mind with all the stuff that was wrong with the place, it wasn’t at the top of my list. I’m not defending that either, I’m just stating the facts.

“How come we don’t do Communion more?” I was asked one Sunday. Hm, I never thought about it, but yup, that had slipped through the cracks, and what a terrible thing to have slipped. We immediately began doing Communion on a regular basis.

There are times when people are right and they make good suggestions, but that is about the only one I’ve heard that was biblical in nature.

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Being Offended at Church Skippers

Sometimes, when people tell me they won’t be at church cuz they’re going camping,

I pray for rain.
@FailingPastor

 

 

I have a very small church. When people are gone you can definitely tell. I try not to guilt people into coming to church. I’ve fought very hard to avoid this. I want people to come because they want to be there.

Unfortunately, I know that the only people who are there are the only ones who want to be there.

I understand having to be out of town and going on vacation. I do, I really do. I don’t begrudge people missing a Sunday here and there.

But there’s still this thing in me, this part that is stabbed in the back whenever people miss church. I admit that I take it personally.

I try not to. I can’t tell you how hard I try not to take it personally. I would strongly encourage any pastor out there to not take it personally when people miss.

But in all honesty, I have no idea how not to do that.

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