There are days where I’m not sure why I even bother being a pastor.
These days are not helped by pithy advice, happy thoughts, and “God is in control” statements.
There is a deep soul hurt. A pain that is so real, so vital; there’s no blood, no broken bones, no evidence of physical trauma. But on the inside I’m bleeding out.
It’s a hurt for people. It’s a hurt that wants to do so much more. A hurt that I have no idea what “so much more” means.
If I knew what to do for people; I’d do it. I just have no clue. I’ve tried everything I know. Been doing this long enough to have exhausted my ideas and resources. And yes, I know, “See, that’s your problem! It’s not about you and your ideas and resources. You gotta let go and let God.” I know. I tried that idea too.
I do what I think I can, what I think I am gifted to do. It’s not working. I feel helpless and yet I long so badly to help.
My personal life is fine. My marriage is good, my kids are turning out quite nicely, I’m doing ok financially. Spiritually I’m doing better than ever, making real strides against sin.
But as a pastor, nothing is working.
I know all the things people say at this point:
–you can’t do anything; only God can.
–preach the Word; they will come.
–stay faithful, you will reap if you faint not.
–God knows what you do and loves you.
–sounds like God has you right where He wants you; maybe now He can work.
I know them all. Heard them all. None of them address the pain. I’ve communicated this pain to people in and out of my church. I just get lectured, which increases the awareness that yup, it’s me, it’s my fault.
I’ve even said this to the people I am most familiar with in my church. They feel bad for two weeks and then off they go again. Nothing changes. They’re busy.
There is an ache in my heart over people and over my apparent inability to do anything remotely helpful for any of them. Makes me wonder if I should be doing this job.
For years my mind has been split 50/50.
50% of me wants to sell all my stuff and just head out to who knows where with my wife. Maybe hit up airBNB’s for a year. Just leave it all and never set foot in a church in a leadership role again.
50% of me can’t see how I could go a week without preaching, praying, visiting, talking to, and doing whatever I could to help people.
I’m in a strait betwixt two. I have a desire to depart this job. Except I’m increasingly not seeing any reason to stay in it. I can’t help but take it all personally. I obviously have nothing helpful to offer. No one is listening, so why am I still talking to them?
I don’t know. Not sure how much longer I can do this.