What the Failing Pastor Wants for Christmas

I’m not a big fan of holidays. Christmas does very little for me at this point in my life.

Giving gifts has become annoying. I give people things they’ll never use and they return the favor by giving me things I never use. It’s like when God gave Joel Osteen His Son. “What am I gonna do with this? I gotta pay bills!”

My family has all but given up with “thoughtful” gifts. Now we just exchange lists of things we want. Which is dumb. Why not you just go get what you want yourself and I’ll go get what I want myself? Save everyone the hassle.

Anyway, I’m asked by numerous relatives every year what I want for Christmas. Most of what I want for Christmas can’t be bought, but these truly are the things I’d like.

1) World Peace
I sincerely, with all the honesty and integrity of my heart, desire everyone to just shut up and get along. Relax. Don’t argue at every provocation. Get a thick skin. Be gracious. Lighten up. No one is listening anyway. Sssshhh. Be still and know God. I long for the return of Jesus Christ, the Prince of Peace, to set all things right.

2) Spiritual Growth.
I want this for me, first and foremost, but also for my wife, my kids, my family, my church, my city, my country, my nation, and the world. This, in fact, is the thing that would lead to World Peace.

3) Ice Cream, Steak, and Dr. Pepper
Solomon concludes that all is vanity, yet he repeatedly says to spend your hard earned money on food and drink. I have ceased, for the most part, in buying things. When I spend money it’s on food or doing something. I hate stuff lying around my house, cluttering up my desk, and tripping my feet. I want to eat and then go do something to burn those calories so I can eat more.

4) Twitter Dominance
I wish I could get another helping of insight and humor to make my Tweets reach the world and bring about spiritual growth, peace, and a few laughs. I want to do better for you, Twitter World.

5) People Who Are Present
I wish people would show up. I want people to show up to church, for each other, yeah, even for me. I wish there were more people in my life who cared enough to listen. I’d like to teach more, to preach more, but also to grow with people. To be unified in purpose, to grow in Christ and encourage each other along the way. I want present people not looking at their phones while I’m talking to them.

6) Filled Chairs
I am so tired of preaching to empty chairs. I can’t even explain. So tired. So very tired.

7) Sin To Go Away
I’m so tired of my sin. Just the same old stupid sins. The temptations, the pull to respond habitually as my flesh has taught or learned. I see progress, but all the progress does is make me long for more progress. Then there’s everyone else’s sin. Yeah, I’d really like that to go away! Again, we’re back to world peace, this lays the foundation. Bring it.

8) Heaven
I’m done. Absent from the body is present with the Lord. I have a desire to depart which is far better. Amen. Even so, come Lord Jesus.

9) Cash
So many expenses life throws at you. I don’t even buy stuff, I can’t, I have no money. It would be nice to provide for my family better. It would be nice to go to a doctor every once in a while without having to worry about whether this is our last day not being bankrupt. Cash can be very helpful. I would like some.

10) For Christmas to Be Done
The best part about the holidays is when they’re done. They drive me nuts. I want them over before they even start. The best Christmas present ever is when all the presents are done and everyone is home and I can sit in my reading chair and read a book. I don’t need hoopla. Get it done with.

So, there ya go. Feel free to judge away and criticize everything I’ve said. I don’t care. I’m busy over here making world peace since I know no one else will give it to me. Have a Merry Christmas, I guess.


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