The Failing Pastor Goes to Funerals

The best thing about my own funeral is that I won’t have to do anything for it.
@FailingPastor

Three members of my family have died since I’ve been a pastor. I officiated all three of them.

No one really asked me. I was more or less told to do it.

That’s fine, I’m not complaining. Much.

It would be nice to go to a funeral where I could just grieve and not feel like I had to be “on.” Where I didn’t have to go through the anxiety of having to speak and potentially embarrass myself or the deceased with a slip of the tongue or flippant joke.

It’s my job, I get it. But yeah, it would be nice to go to a funeral and grieve.

Over my years as pastor I have attended other people’s funerals done by other pastors.

This is almost as dreadful as doing funerals. Some of the ridiculous things said at funerals are enough to raise the dead

Everyone is always saved and in heaven. They “aren’t suffering anymore;” “they are looking down on us right now.” “God needed them in heaven more than we needed them down here.”

There have been funerals where I’ve wanted to scream at the pastor: WHY IS THERE NO GOSPEL IN YOUR MESSAGE?

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What Pastors Desperately Need: More Advice

Perhaps the guy who spends 39 more hours a week in church than you do knows what’s going on there.
@FailingPastor

Everyone knows how to be a pastor. I like to think it’s because pastors are so good at their jobs they make it look easy, like anyone could do it.

But alas, I don’t think that’s what’s going on. In fact, based on what people say and how they say it, they think pastors are incompetent.

They assume we need their advice. They assume we aren’t paying attention, that we don’t know what other churches are doing, and that we have our heads buried in communion wine all week.

What’s more amazing is that the advice givers are the ones who are least at church. As if being at church for one hour a week three times a month lends a certain insight. A fresh-take that those who spend their week in church wouldn’t see.

For instance, every single person who has left our church, I knew months beforehand that they would. I could feel it, sense it, pick up on the vibes. I knew it was coming.

Advice Givers don’t realize those people have left until about three months later. “Where are John and Rita? I haven’t seen them for a while.”

“They left the church several months ago.”

“Really?” they say with incredulity. “Well, I knew they were having problems. You know what you should have done?” They go on for several minutes explaining what I should have done, which has amazingly nothing at all whatsoever to do with the problem John and Rita had.

Then they follow that up with, “You know what you should do?” They then give me various strategies for getting John and Rita back, none of which have anything to do with why John and Rita left. Typically this advice has something to do with Jesus leaving the 99 to go get the 1, which has nothing to do with the situation at all.

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One Big Reason People Ask Pastors Questions: Divine Permission

Never assume when someone asks you a question that they actually want your answer.
@FailingPastor

When I first began my pastoral career I was flattered when people asked me questions. I happily answered, assuming my answers would be appreciated and maybe even followed.

One woman was struggling with her 20-year old son who still lived in her house. “He wants tattoos. I don’t know. I don’t like tattoos. I don’t want to let him get them. Should I demand he not get them?”

“Well, at a certain point you have to let your kid grow up,” I said. “You need to cut the cord at some point and let the kid make his decisions, good or bad, and learn to sink or swim with them.”

“Hm,” was her reply.

I later found out she asked one of the board members the same question. They said she had every right to determine what her 20-year old son did.

Guess who she listened to?

It t’weren’t me.

She was already going to die on the hill of tattoos with her son. She had already determined there was no way on God’s green earth her 20-year old precious boy was going to get a tattoo. My answer did not agree with her stance. So she asked around until she got someone who gave her permission to do what she wanted to do.

People are not asking their pastor questions for answers; they are looking for permission.

There are exceptions and you will learn over time who the three people are who truly value your opinion and have a desire to learn. You will also learn all the other ones who merely want you to ease their conscience.

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Why This Pastor Contemplates Getting Another Job

THEM: As a pastor, what would you do differently if you knew it couldn’t fail?

ME: Get a new job.
@FailingPastor

This really isn’t a joke.

The vast majority of Sundays will find me contemplating getting another job.

It’s not that I hate being a pastor; I actually love it. But, good Lord, it does break a guy’s heart.

I spend all week gearing up, studying, planning, practicing, and hyping myself to preach great messages. I do my best. I’m not claiming to be the best sermon maker or preacher ever, but I do my part to make it as good as possible. I get up and pour out my heart. I pray for people, I pray specifically for passages of Scripture that address issues certain people deal with. Maybe this will be the sermon where they “get it.”

It never is. You work with people for years, only to see them give up, walk away and tell others what a loser you are as a pastor. People get mad, they find fault, they take advantage and take you for granted. Every week.

Sure, there’s a win sprinkled in there every other month or so, a highlight, a glimmer that light may have dawned on someone. But then weeks go by and the glimmer fades and everyone is right back where they were before, except now I’m older and more tired.

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How to Tell if a Visitor to Your Church Will Be Back

VISITOR: How long have you been at this church?

ME: Since 7am.
@FailingPastor

Visitors to a church are typically nervous, so I give them some slack. They don’t know what kind of group they are walking into, they don’t know anyone, nor how we do things. This could either be their spiritual home or another place they will run from and never return to. One never knows.

But you can learn a lot about a visitor by the questions they ask.

Visitors who ask for a doctrinal statement:
These are a dying breed and I appreciate them. They want to know what food they’ll be served. They want to know up front where we stand. It shows a certain care about the actual function of a church—teaching believers to grow in Christ. God bless visitors who care about doctrinal statements. And also, they aint coming back.

Visitors who ask about you, the pastor:
“What’s your other job?” is my favorite of these questions. It’s sort of an accusation, and if nothing else, a meant disrespect. Where did you go to seminary? How long have you been here? Where did you pastor before this? Then they will tell you about their old pastor and how great or awful he was and make comparisons for good or bad. And also, they aint coming back.

Visitors who ask about the size of the church:
Building a new building soon? Are you growing? Any new families lately? Then they will tell you about what they did in their old church that worked to bring people in and how you should try that here as if you’ve never heard of church growth ideas and live in the backwoods of spiritual ignorance and churchly incompetence. And also, they aint coming back.

Visitors who don’t ask anything:
Yeah, over the years, these are the ones most likely to come back. They don’t feel a need to interrogate, insinuate, compare, or examine. They just want a place to go. If they like it; they like it. If they don’t; they don’t. They may ask some surface questions and make conversation, but for the most part, they hold off the interrogations and seek to observe. These ones might be back.

One couple who visited our church asked for a doctrinal statement and then expressed surprise at my message, which they thought contradicted the doctrinal statement. And, in all honesty, it may have to a degree (I did not write the statement myself after all). But the wife just launched on me. She went hard after the doctrine and argued. Her husband stood quietly by. I kept looking at him here and there and he just nervously smiled.

I’ve never had a visitor quite go at me like her. I never saw them again, but I have several times prayed for that poor husband. I could tell by his looks he gave me this wasn’t the first time and he was sorry.

It was also nice that all the board members completely left me standing there alone after church with this couple. They all scattered. No man stood with me. It was me and this couple in the building. That was it. That was not cool.

I handled them the best I could and held no expectation they would be back, and they never returned. But I still pray for that poor man.

Visitors are testing the waters, as much as the waters are testing the visitors. Most visitors don’t come back. I’m always amazed at the people who stay. They were typically the ones I hardly remember their first coming. They just melt right into the group. It’s a beautiful thing to behold, and more so since it’s so rare.

Be not forgetful to entertain strangers:
for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.
–Hebrews 13:2

How to Get People to Come to a Church Event

“You understand that no one is going to show up, right?”

–Me every time someone excitedly tells me what new thing they want to start at church.
@FailingPastor

People always have ideas of great events the church can do. Obviously my ideas aren’t working, so the smart people will excitedly suggest an event. “Go for it,” I say. “But just know that no one is going to come.”

They pat my little head and give a condescending little smile to the cute, widdle pastor. “Oh you poor soul. Of course they will. Unlike your events, ours will actually be good.”

People will excitedly go about organizing their event and tell everyone about it. They’ll do all the things they know will work. The big day comes and no one shows up.

I don’t say anything. Why bother.

Unfortunately, this also happens at funerals and important events. People don’t show up for those things either. Here’s the thing: If you don’t show up for other people’s funerals; people probably aren’t going to show up for yours either.

If you don’t show up for people’s Bible studies; they won’t show up for yours either. If you don’t attend people’s picnics; they won’t attend yours either.

This is a hard cycle to break. I’ve yet to figure it out. Yeah, there are techniques you can use to manipulate people into showing up, but I’d rather just have people who want to be there be there. Unfortunately, if attendance is any indicator, no one wants to be there.

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Pastors: Don’t Forget to Evangelize Your Church

The job of a pastor is to get people who think they are saved to actually be saved.
@FailingPastor

I’m not entirely positive about this, but when Paul tells Timothy to “do the work of an evangelist,” I wonder if he’s talking about in the church.

Usually doing the “work of an evangelist” is interpreted as doing door to door, tract handing out evangelism.

It could very well be talking about evangelizing on the street, or outside the context of the church. But I wonder, I just wonder, if he’s not telling Timothy to remember to evangelize in the church. The context shows that he’s talking about preaching the word, and how increasingly people will not pay attention to sound doctrine. Sure sounds like he’s talking about a church context, not just outside it.

After serving for years in one church, I know people pretty well. I have a pretty good sense as to who is taking their faith seriously and who is not. I’ve seen many people leave the church over the years, and some of them even left the faith. I have a pretty good sense what true Christian faith looks like and what a saved person is up to. Yes, the “heart is the key issue” and “God is the judge.” I’m fully aware of this. I also have a brain that pays attention in my relationships to people. I’m not the Final Judge, but I am to minister to people, which requires making assumptions about what they need.

It is my contention that churches are made up mostly of unbelievers. Like maybe even 75%.

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How Failing Pastors Pray

If I had a dollar for every time I prayed for you, I’d probably pray for you more.
@FailingPastor

There is an idea floating around that if a pastor prays for you, you will be granted your request. I’m not sure where this comes from. Perhaps some sort of notion that pastors have an “in” with God more than the average layman.

People ask me to pray for them frequently. I do pray for them, but I doubt I pray for them what they want me to pray, but I do pray.

I pray that people would grow in Christ, that they would stop being distracted by earthly things and pursue spiritual growth. I pray that they would do the right thing, obey God’s Word, and deal with the consequences of doing the right thing in a wrong world. I pray for spiritual things.

I have told my church this many times. When people ask me to pray for their knee pain, I do, and I pray that through this knee pain, whether it stays or goes, it will work out to their spiritual growth. Pain can cause growth, so can the immediate cessation of pain. I can see growth happening either way. So my concern is for spiritual growth; let the knee feel how it’s supposed to in order to facilitate spiritual growth.

Yet people keep asking me to pray that pain would go away. That so-and-so would get healed. That everything would work out and they can come home soon. I continue to pray for spiritual growth and for the power of the Gospel to save souls through these things.

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A Pastor’s Typical Depressing Sunday

I pour my soul into my sermons. I use energy, passion, and exuberance to preach. By the time Sunday morning comes, I am chomping at the bit to deliver my message.

When I go over my message on Saturday, I imagine the response I’ll get. People laugh at my jokes. They listen attentively, eyes on me. At the end, when the point comes home, some cry, some fall to their knees and pray, crying out to God for salvation and the work of the Spirit in them. Lives are changed. People hug and support one another. People agree to go witness all afternoon. People renounce their materialism, and although they were going to go to Wal-Mart to stock up on more capitalistic abundance, they instead donate to the poor. I mean, things happen when I preach.

In my dreams.

The reality is that I get to church and everyone arrives late, half-asleep. By the time service is ready to begin; only about 20 people have shown up. Empty chairs outnumber the filled ones. I then notice the individuals who aren’t there. Why aren’t they here? Then I remember certain incidents throughout the week or in last week’s sermon, ope, yup, that’s why they aren’t here. Then I analyze everything I’ve said and done all week to figure out what I did to tick off the other people who aren’t there. By that time, my mind is gone and depression seeps in.

By the time I begin preaching, I’m still racking my brain to figure out why so-and-so isn’t there and what guilt-ridden excuse conversations I’ll again have with them this week. I start the message distracted and feeling down. I repeat my opening point about fifteen times before I gain momentum and energy back. My first joke doesn’t get a laugh. My first illustration passes with no nodding awareness that any words came out of my mouth. My energy amps up despite every effort by others to suck it out.

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Why Pastors Skip Verses

Ignoring verses in the Bible doesn’t mean they aren’t still there.
@FailingPastor

We all ignore verses in the Bible. Many verses are inconvenient to our doctrine, our firm statements, and our way of life.

I’m not talking about ignoring verses because you’ve never read them. I mean, you know the verses are there, you just choose to ignore them.

I think of this every time I hear a Calvinist and an Arminian argue. They both ignore the other side’s verses and flop out more of their proof texts. Nothing is resolved except letting the argument’s listeners know that neither person is entirely dealing with the Bible.

This is, in fact, probably the only redeeming aspect of Christian arguing: it lets the hearers know that the talkers have little idea what they are talking about.

Over my years of preaching I have covered every single book of the Bible. I’ve preached many an uncomfortable sermon. Like, uncomfortable to me, ones that hit a little close to home. As a pastor I can choose to skip passages. Maybe end my text right before that one verse because it makes an inconvenient point to my sermon. No one will know, it’s not like anyone is listening anyway.

But I know those verses are there. I know what verses I skip and why I skip them. I have faces that pop into my head when I read verses. “Yup, that guy will get ticked if I bring this up.” Or, “that woman will fly into a tailspin of doubt if I bring that one up.”

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