Why I Get Depressed When I’m Around Christians (as far as I know)

About 90% of the time I’m around Christians, I’m more depressed afterwards than before.

I said this on Twitter and someone replied, “Either you or they are not doing it right.”

I’m aware of this, and this deepens my depression.

I will fully admit that this experience is at least partially, if not entirely, my fault. I imagine I’m a proud, egotistical, self-righteous, judgmental jerk. I’m saying that honestly. The odds this is entirely the case are pretty good.

So, that’s one option, and probably the first one on the list. But for the sake of argument, I’ll pretend there is at least a percentage that might be their fault.

If we grant that possibility, here is my explanation of my depression around Christians.

Also, let me add real quick, that the 10% of the time I’m not depressed around Christians is very real. I am not depressed after a conversation with a Christian where we talk about the Bible and get into swapping verses and thinking together through a question, while we both come up with other verses, and by the end everyone present has been edified and it’s so cool.

This is generally one-on-one style of communication, but I’ve also occasionally had it in a group setting.

Now, to the 90%. Here’s how it goes.

1. Every time I go into a Christian environment, I pray for me, for everyone else there, and anyone who opens their mouth. I pray that we are all edified and brought closer to Christ. This is my sincere desire for every meeting of believers. This is my constant prayer going into any Christian gathering, whether it’s a church service or grabbing lunch.

2. As mouths open, I am routinely shocked by the unbiblical nonsense that almost immediately comes forth. Once one weird thing has been said, I begin praying, “Lord help me to know what to say, how to say it, and if I should say it.” I usually wait, hoping, praying someone else heard it too.

3. Inevitably, the next open mouth will not only not correct the first mouth that opened, the second mouth will dig the hole of unbiblical nonsense deeper.

4. As the unbiblical nonsense is shared, I get a pain in my gut. You know that feeling when you have diarrhea that first time and you’re not sure what’s going on yet? Yeah, that feeling. The physical pain in my stomach increases until I must say something.

5. I carefully and as humbly as possible (not always possible unfortunately) quote a verse and try to steer the conversation back to biblical solid ground.

6. People either stare at me, laugh, argue, or ignore what I said. Rarely ever has anyone taken the bait to actually correct where the conversation is going.

7. I am now the bad guy, the one who made it awkward, the one who is “sowing division.”

8. I leave the gathering feeling terrible about everything. I pray earnestly for the people who said unbiblical nonsense and for me and for the church, and for, dear Lord, please come quickly.

9. Then I go home and hash and rehash what was said. Was I right? Were they really wrong. I look up stuff. I pray. I give way better answers to the imaginary replaying of the event in my head.

10. About two days later I’m over it. Now it’s time to go to Wednesday night church and repeat it all over again.

Let me give you an example I had last year. There was a group of 20 or 30 believers talking about Lot in the context of 2 Peter 2, particularly the verse that said righteous Lot vexed his soul over the wicked conduct of the people around him. I was not the leader in any way and am not a pastor of anyone in the group; I’m just another person sitting there.

About four people opened their mouths on this verse and it went like this:

First Person: Lot shouldn’t have moved close to those cities.

Second Person: Yeah, I heard he should have let Abraham choose first.

Third Person: It’s not right to be vexed in your soul.

Fourth Person: Yeah, it was a sin for him to be vexed; he should have been trusting God.

This verse, which is clearly a defense of Lot even though we like hating on him, was turned into saying the exact opposite point.

This is one of thousands of examples, some more distressing; some less. All annoying.

When you’re the guy who is always throwing cold water on people’s fun pontificating, people get real tired of you. I decided not to say anything about this one. I let it go. I took my diarrhea feeling home with me.

I never know what to do. But whatever I do is wrong. It never makes any difference to say anything anyway. There are times I have to though, and I hate it every time. I won’t sleep that night.

I was on the phone for an hour today with the cable company to cut my cable. After the hour long conversation I felt terrible. Maybe I was rude. Maybe I should have been more patient. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. Maybe the best thing would have been to just keep the cable and avoid the whole situation.

So, maybe it’s just me and my insecure introvert awkwardness.

I like to think my sadness over the unbiblical nonsense spoken by so many Christians might have something to do with me being in the body of the Man of sorrows who was acquainted with grief. I like to think it’s me following James’ advice to turn my laughter into mourning. I like to think this response is a good thing and shows my spiritual discernment.

Then again, knowledge puffs up.

Nothing I do ever feels like it was the right thing to do. It’s all very depressing.

I know there are many people who can’t relate to all this. I know “It’s not your job to fix people,” and “it’s not your responsibility.” I know all that. I never said any of that.

I’m looking at it more from the standpoint of judgment day and me giving an account for how well I handled God’s Word (which will judge us by the way) and how well I helped others handle God’s Word too.

If I didn’t love people, if I didn’t care, none of this would bother me. That’s my other justification. It just shows how great my love is for others.

Could be, then again, I probably just want to be right.

I don’t know.

I skipped church for two weeks straight last month and it was the happiest two weeks of the year.

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