You cannot serve God and mammon. We are to set our affections on things above, not on things of this earth. We are to put our treasure in heaven.
Typically we reserve this for talks about money and the dangers of materialism, which is no doubt true. But there are other facets of life that fit here too.
Including your church.
People count what they see. Then we compare our numbers with other people’s numbers. The guy with the big, growing church is being blessed; the guy with the small, struggling church is clearly doing something wrong.
Some are blunt about this judgment, others cloak it in humble talk, but essentially this idea emerges.
As a pastor, I felt this all the time. When visitors came on Sundays when lots of people were gone. When family visited from out of town and commented how small our church was. When other pastors would drop how their new building expansion was going, while my church met in the junior high.
My ego took a hit. My self-esteem, well, after 21 years pastoring in a church that never broke out of struggle, I basically had no self-esteem.
Breaking out of this pattern of thinking is hard, even harder when seemingly everyone you talk to about church reminds you of how terrible and pathetic your church is and by default, you are as a pastor.
People claim all the time that God is the builder of the church, “we just plant and water and God gives the increase.” A growing church is getting the increase, so God is obviously blessing the planting and watering. A struggling church, well, God has pretty much given up on that thing.
Much discouragement, embarrassment, depression, justifications, and self-loathing overwhelmed my soul. My planting and watering must have all been on stony ground, because I got nothing.
In my moments of despair, I’d cry out to God, why no blessing? Why no growth? Why just pain? Can I get a break? I’d lay it out before Him.
I kept coming back to 1 Corinthians 4:1-5. Paul says it was a small thing to be judged by the Corinthians who doubted his apostleship and belittled his ministry. Paul said he didn’t even judge himself! Even if he thought he was completely justified in everything he did, it still didn’t matter.
The only thing that mattered was God’s judgment.
It doesn’t matter what human judgment is upon you or your ministry, not even your own judgment.
This isn’t jerkish pride either, that “I’m better than others so don’t tell me what to do,” nor is this some sort of cosmic, “Get off my back while I take it easy” kind of thing. This is a serious, you alone before God, judgment.
God will judge your ministry. As he says in 1 Corinthians 3:12-15, which is the same context by the way, all we do on the foundation will be tested with fire.
Lots of people do visibly impressive things that get attention, accolades, and genuinely looks like big things are happening, and maybe there are. Other guys have hardly anything. The amount before the fire isn’t what matters!
What’s left after the fire matters.
I know pastors who are determined to leave a legacy, a visible proof of their effectiveness. Their desire to grow the church doesn’t seem to be out of a desire for spiritual growth in individuals, but a visible growth of externals so they look and feel like a man.
False teachers are in the church. Their bellies are their motivation. They are always talking about money and always have incredible appetites to spend that money, rarely on anything spiritually helpful, often on a physical thing that proves their effectiveness.
God will judge that. He will judge the pastor who sincerely cares about people’s spiritual growth too, with the exact same fire.
It’s possible to have an impressive amount before the fire and after, this is my desire, but I fear for how much is left after.
That’s the only thing that matters.
Yet it’s so easy to get caught up in ego and pride, the desire to have impressive things going on so we feel better about ourselves.
What are we doing ministry for, to impress people, or to have something survive the fire of God’s judgment? Is your church an extension of your ego, or is it Christ’s Body?
If you struggle with pastoral depression like I did, it’s mostly because of comparison with others. It’s mostly an ego hit.
Yes, I did have sorrow in my heart for how many were rejecting God’s word, perverting His Gospel, and leaving, what I felt, was a place that could help them.
I know that was sincerely in there. I also know I was a mopey, whiny pastor who desperately wanted validation.
Examine what gets you bummed out as a pastor. What stirred it up? Was it external comparison, or divine concern for souls? Examine that before the Lord.
Keep planting and watering. God takes care of the increase. It’s true, let Him worry about that part. Be faithful to the Word, in season and out, preach, teach, exhort, rebuke with all authority, and do all of it in light of you standing alone before God.
Only His opinion matters.
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Failing Pastor 